Losing and Longing
by shadowed.phoenix
Summary: One Shot. The breakup... Written for me, to reflect my past few days.


A/N: Sorry I have updated TRWW, but I've had an emotional ride lately. Look, here, it's my story. And don't worry, I know it sucks and doesn't make sense.

* * *

_I'm empty, lonely, and accused  
Accused without a word  
My fingernails are chipping down  
From clawing in the dirt  
I'm so lost, lost and confused  
I threw it all away  
How can I be beautiful  
When I am so afraid_

_--Skillet_

* * *

"Lily, it's over. It's done with. I'm sorry."

The words reverberated in her mind, over and over, some insane repetition of three simple phrases. Wide, emerald eyes stared, vacantly, recalling the conversation and playing it over and over again and again in her mind. It was over. Done with. Over. Done.

"I hope we can still be good friends."

Friends? After he broke her heart? She'd been friends with him for nearly two years now… She'd loved him for nearly two years now. Then, finally, he had felt it. That glimmer between… friends. And she was just supposed to return to that? To go back to the way things were before? To return to the longing, the crashed hopes, the pain? To go back to missing him so strongly that she could barely breathe?

"Is that unrealistic?"

Damn straight it was unrealistic. How could he even ask? And yet… she wanted, so desperately, to have him back. Just to have him around, even if it was only as friends. He was a drug, and she was thoroughly addicted. How could she say no? How could she say yes, when being with him would just cause her pain?

"I don't know…I need to be able to stop crying first."

Yes, that was what she needed to say. That was truth. And…well… she could no longer help but tell the truth. He made her do that, with his own actions. He'd tell her the truth if it killed him, because he was all for honesty and equality. Katherine… he'd told her the truth about Katherine. Now she was crying.

"Don't do anything stupid."

Now he was aggravated. Aggravated at _her_, the pompous bastard! He'd just broken up with her, and now he was going to tell her how to live her life! What right did he have? It wasn't his life! He should try being dumped by the person in your life you've ever really loved, and see if he wanted to do something stupid. She defiantly did… smoking sounded really nice.

"If you value our friendship, don't do anything stupid."

There he was, giving his ultimatum. Giving his demands. If she valued his friendship… Well, she had for a long time now. She'd been there, laughing with him, when Peter accidentally transfigured himself into a bullfrog. When she had petitioned for Professor Trelawney to be fired, the stupid hag. When they had dashed madly around Hogsmeade, still so exuberant and close. And yet…

"How can I value a friendship that will only make me cry?"

It was true, at the moment. Being friends with him… tears would come to her eyes every time she met those swirling pools of haze. When she met his dizzying, deep gaze. She'd fall into him, realize that it wasn't allowed, and cry. Tears rushing down her face, because she'd be so close and yet so very, very far away. How could she stand that?

"If that's all you think of our friendship, then I'm done with you."

Done with her? Just… throwing away all the moments, all the conversations? Damn it all, she'd been there when _no one_ had. When not even his best friend had been beside him. How the hell could he sit there calmly, and tell her that it was all just… done with. How could he dare? She'd put herself through hell and back for him, and he was going to announce that they were simply… over? Done with? Like she was garbage to be thrown away.

"Wait, can't we just… Can't we work this out?"

Yes, work it out. Make all the pain and the hurt and the tears go away. He didn't have to go out with her, but he couldn't abandon their friendship like that. It was too strong of a bond, at least in her heart. Surely, surely former best friends could figure out a solution to all of this. To this entire relationship. She'd always valued his friendship more than anything else. She'd told him that two months ago, just before they started dating. And he'd promised her, promised that they would always be close, even when this all ended.

"I don't know. Talk to me when I'm in a better mood."

There was the arrogance again. Laced throughout his tone was the cruel, cold, scorn. He expected this, expected that his ex-girlfriends would all beg to be with him. She knew he did. She'd seen him curse them behind their backs; reach a point of terrible aggravation. But… not to _her_. She'd been his bloody best friend, and he was classifying her like every other girl he'd gone out with. She was _not_ every other girl. And if this was what he expected from her, then he clearly didn't know her as well as she thought he did.

"Never mind, Sirius, I don't really want to talk to you."

There. That might not be completely accurate, but it was true. If he was going to be like this, she didn't need him. If he was going to go through girls like flavors of ice cream, and expect her to be just like all of the others, he could go to hell. She wasn't going to take that. She wasn't going to let him label her, as he had so many others and yet spoke so strongly against.

"Fine."

Fine. Finite. Finished. It was gone, just like that. And slowly, carefully, she sunk onto the common room sofa. She allowed the tears to fall. And they fell. They poured. Her heart wrenched with pain, and emptiness overtook her soul. Lonely. Lost. How could he do this to her? How could he leave her to be like this, so tired and exhausted and sick? Sick now of living, of suffering throughout this life. She wanted to sleep, to sleep forever. To let go.

"Lily?"

Was she still Lily? Part of her was missing, maybe the part that made who Lily truly was. He'd walked away, leaving her no longer Lily. She was now unidentifiable, and the tears rushed on with a fury. She didn't even notice when a new figure knelt before her, gently taking her hand.

"Lily, are you going to be okay?"

She looked up, through a curtain of scarlet, emerald eyes still wide and sad. She found herself meeting a gentle hazel; a swirl of green and gold and brown and silver and every color ever named all at once. The emotions within were so soft, so caring. As if they looked like this only for her. As if they were worried for her, because she was… special. Because… they loved her.

"Yes, James, I think I will be now."


End file.
